Our Last Losses

Our fourth experience with miscarriage and loss is one you may not think happens as much. It was 2014, two years after we lost John and Cynthia, and the same year I suffered a chemical pregnancy then four months later an eight week miscarriage.

We pivoted our focus off me in late August to our gestational carrier. Our contract was complete and we were ready to transfer two of the four strong embryos from my February retrieval. We drove to Colorado to meet her in person for the first time, feeling more hopeful than we had felt in years. We were changing variables (that we could control) now and trying with someone who had a better pregnancy track record than me. This had to work right?

After an excruciating two week wait, we found out she was pregnant and had every reason to feel as though this time it was actually going to happen. I remember visiting my family in Michigan when our GC was 6 weeks pregnant. We had just found out and I felt lighter and happier than I had in a while. Looking back you can see it on my face in the photos we took that weekend. Then, that Sunday, as we were packing up to drive back to Chicago, we received a text that our GC was experiencing some bleeding. In that one second the weight of our past (and ongoing bad luck) dropped back onto us as we drove home in silence.

We found out shortly after that our GC was experiencing a rare occurrence called Subchorionic bleeding (also known as a subchorionic hematoma) where an accumulation of blood in the uterine wall happens. They say it can begin sometimes from implantation tearing. And if the hematoma (blood clot) gets big enough, it steals all of the blood flow from the babies and they die.

So basically, when we should have only been finding out that our GC was pregnant with twins and hearing heartbeats ... we found out she was pregnant with twins....but that the hematoma was growing and we would likely lose them. Which we did.

Even talking about it now, we can’t believe all of this happened. Every time we picked ourselves back up we would get knocked down even harder. And even though this loss didn’t physically happen to me, it was just as hard, if not worse. We were states away from our GC with even less control... just staring at our phones waiting for updates. Our babies came into this world through us and we were nowhere near them when they left.

As the process moved forward I felt like I was floating. We distantly watched as someone else went through a D&C for our lost babies. And when you have a carrier that miscarries you ofcourse have to pay them for the pregnancy leading up to that point and to have a D&C.  I say that knowing it makes complete sense and they deserve it... but if I‘m being honest, it still feels like another kick to the gut. It did give us comfort that our GC was on her journey to truly help us. And we know she felt the pregnancy joy and loss as hard as we did.  

So I end this pregnancy and infant loss awareness month with our last losses. We lost four pregnancies and six angel babies in total. I still to this day can’t believe it and will grieve the brief joy we had for all of them for the rest of my life. ❤️